THE MOST HILARIOUSLY PARANOID THINGS YOU CAN BUY ON THE NRA WEBSITE
By Wilbert L. Cooper and Harry Cheadle
Last week, VICE Style found this hoodie with a built-in holster that the NRA was selling on its website. It’s an item that seems to only appeal to the most insanely paranoid gun-fetishists in America, people who might claim that Trayvon Martin would still be alive if he had been wearing one that fateful night. Or he and George Zimmerman would both be dead. Same difference, right? But that’s only the beginning of the fun, bizarre gun accessories the NRA store has to offer.
Here are a few totally reasonable things you can buy that help you protect yourself (or kill people):
NRA Total Concealment Holster
This holster manages to kill two birds with one phallus-shaped projectile. Because it allows the gun-toter to conceal a pistol right above their junk, it offers a much needed beefing-up of the bulge. And, according to the product description, “It even works on shirtless summer days!” Now, you can finally pack heat poolside! You’ll never lose Marco Polo again.
You never know when the time will come for you to stand your ground, which is why it is important to be able to turn a seemingly innocuous object into a serious weapon at a moment’s notice. The Tactical Pen is perfect for everyday writing, but when the shit hits the fan, like when you’re signing a check for a case of beer or putting down your John Hancock on a petition to ban gay marriage, you can turn this writing utensil into a deadly weapon. It is finally true that the pen is mightier than the sword! (The NRA also sells swords .)
Concealed Carry Day Planner
“Oh, hello there, Mr. Threat To My Person. You want to assault me? Let me check my schedule—BLAM! You’re dead now, because I had a gun in my day planner! And my wife said that this thing was a waste of 40 bucks! I can’t wait to see the expression on her face while she cleans the blood off my shoes!”
Leatherette Wrapped Flask
Let’s say you’re drinking out of your flask in the usual places—the movie theater, car, your nephew’s bar mitzvah, wherever—you probably don’t want to get hassled by some uppity usher/state patrolman/rabbi, right? You want to own a flask that says not only are you getting drunk in public, you also might have a gun on you, possibly in your day planner.
Skinny jeans are for sexual degenerates. Real men need pockets because they have important shit to carry—like weapons. When the world falls into the apocalypse, it won’t be good enough to have just a handgun in your underpants and the lining of your coat. These Tactical Shorts (just like cargo shorts, but more tactical) are essential for stashing scraps of food, Glenn Beck gold doubloons, your bible, and your NRA-branded flask.
Camo Marshmallow Shooter
When we were young, we killed things with real weapons before we could even walk. Nowadays, you can’t give a child a real gun because of Big Brother and the Illuminati. But you can still make kids love guns by giving them this toy firearm that shoots the tastiest treat known to man—marshmallows. Your kids can bone up on their target skills by aiming at one another and shooting delicious treats right into each other’s mouths. Imagine what they’ll do when they get their hands on an actual gun.
They call this the “Flashbang” because the ladies have to show off the titty-twins before they can make the gun go “Bang!” If the assailant isn’t knocked out by NRA-style stretch marks and bumpy areolas, a bullet will definitely do the trick.
Steer Clear Vehicle Holster Mount and Car Seat Sentry
“The open road is a dangerous place for the unprepared,” begins the description of the holster designed to be put under your steering wheel, conjuring up images of roving bands of heavily-armed backwoods Satanists ready to attack motorists for no reason at all. Coincidentally, “The open road is a dangerous place for the unprepared” sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer who keeps a gun strapped to his car seat says to a hitchhiker he picked up just before things get all David Lynch.
BLACKHAWK XSF Punch Dagger
Most of the knives the NRA store sells could be used for non-violent things, like “Let’s use thistomahawk to clear some brush!” Not this punch dagger—the only thing you’ll use this baby for is fucking some dude up by sticking a knife in his neck or eye. The Punch Dagger—when gun violence just isn’t personal enough.
Under the Desk Holster
You already have a place to keep your gun while you’re walking around the streets and driving on the highway, but what about the most dangerous place of all, your office? What are you going to do when the enemy (Communists, Islamists, Cobra Command, what have you) comes bursting into your office and your gun is all the way across the room in your coat? Also, you can close the door and discreetly stroke the gun’s sweet, sweet hard steel under your desk and let out a soft, satisfied (but manly) sex moan.